I Am Loved!

     Back in the fall as I was enjoying a nice cup of tea in my Africa mug, my husband brought back for me a few years ago, not really thinking about anything. Jesus gently spoke and told me I was going to Africa in the summer on a missions trip. I admit at first I said no. Then He was adamant and me going to I said Yes.  I mentioned it to my husband and he was on board with it from the get go. I called my parents a week later and they agreed to watch my kiddos while I was gone. Over the next several months I prayed and raised money towards my trip. We each had to raise $4,200 to cover all of our expenses. I was completely blown away at the donations of money and prayers started to flow in. Watching Jesus move in all of that was truly amazing. I was a bit nervous leaving as I hadn't been without my kids for long than a week and this trip was 3 weeks long. I knew Jesus wanted me to go and I had peace at leaving my family for a short period in time. 

     As the missions trip was getting closer I prayed for the right time to have certain conversations with my kids in the unlikely event that I would not return. We all hope for my return, but I need to plan just in case. I loved how He orchestrated each and every conversation in the most organic way possible. I am incredibly proud of both my son and daughter in how they dealt with me leaving and being gone for so long. They supported me in this journey too. They were with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins and were loved on so well. I am thankful for their help during that time. 

     Packing started the week I was to leave. My husband had gone on this very missions trip 2 years prior and knew what I needed and didn't need. He was helpful! I didn't really have any expectations going into this trip since I'd never been and I figured anything Jesus was going to do was going to be above and beyond what I had imagined anyways. We ended up leaving a day early so I had to say good bye to the kids and husband a little sooner than expected. It was alright as we had already prepped our hearts for this moment. I would see them soon enough! 

     Travel days were long and fun all at the same time. I loved flying and seeing the ground from so high up. A few days later we landed in South Africa and made our way to George. We stayed at an incredible place called Victoria Bay. It wasn't until I was walking up the walkway to our house that I was hit with the most indescribable feeling ever. I always knew in my head that Jesus loved me but it wasn't until I was walking that it finally hit my heart. The hit was so hard that I lost my breath and couldn't speak. I had never felt His love in that way and it was strong and raw. My God loved me! Like really truly, unconditionally, without expectations loved me. At that moment I knew that I actually belonged to Him as His child.  Over the course of that week He repeatedly kept give me things to constantly remind me that I was loved. I kept finding hearts, without ever looking for them. I didn't go out searching for His love, it was always right there in front of me. All I had to do was see it. He started to tear down some walls around my heart where love hadn't been able to be at. I was in such a vulnerable place that week, but it was so good. 

    During the week we would take trips up to Wilderness Heights and love on children. I was able to love on them the way I was loved on. It was a new kind of love that I hadn't felt before. I met so many amazing workers, Hope Art ladies, and all the children. Hearing their stories where at times heartbreaking, but listening to the way God worked and redeemed situations was incredible. We were able to pray for a lady and her daughter and she will forever be in my heart. As our week came to an end we attended Hope Church and our pastor spoke. It was a story I had heard countless times before but this time it was different. This time it was a story that pierced my heart and poured salt in an open wound. A place that I had locked up like a fortress and wouldn't allow anyone to touch it. 17 years ago we lost our first baby, Mason, at 3 1/2 weeks old to complications of premature birth. I have always talked about him, but that night Jesus was started to tear down that wall where I kept Mason safe. I kept his painful memories there. I had lived in a constant state of grief for 17 years because if I had dealt with it then he would be gone. I didn't want to let him go. If Jesus hadn't shown me the week leading up to this on how well and deeply I was loved I wouldn't have been in a place to talk out with dear friends what was going on. Our conversations brought pain, heartache, and eventually would end with the start to a proper healing. A healing I knew wouldn't happen over night, but gradually every day, little by little. This is one area that my husband and I had never really talked about. We both built walls and moved on. Now we are having to deal with this and it is unfamiliar territory. We've made it 17 years and I start questioning why we stayed. Did we stay just because we had that connection together? So many questions and thoughts filled my head over the next few weeks. I wasn't looking forward to coming home as I knew the conversations that had to take place. I found comfort in friends and let myself be free. Free from my thoughts, free to be me, free to not have responsibilities. I felt wanted, accepted, needed, and loved. I didn't feel judged and it was so freeing. All along the way Jesus kept leaving me hearts. There were in the sand, in the rocks, in the clouds, in the leaves, and in my heart. 

    Our second week of this journey was in a remote village in Western Zambia, Shang'ombo. There I found children who loved to be loved on. I saw children accept Jesus and find they are wanted too. It was a super bumpy ride there but Jesus knows my love language of music and continued to work on my heart through the words of songs. Songs of love, healing, and trusting Him. He never stopped chasing my heart. Over and over every day. I am the one He would leave the 99 for, I am worth it. You are worth it, the children were worth it. We had an incredible time in the village and I got to share my heart around a bonfire under the African night sky. Yes, I might have messed up some wording, but that didn't matter, He loved me anyways. Even through my mistakes. Our time started to come to an end and we packed up and left the village with more of my heart filled and hurting. I left a piece of my hear in that village with the children and people we met. They will always have a special place in my heart and I hope that I can go back over and over because they are worth it. 

     During our time in Zambia we were paired in trucks and I became closer with those in our truck. One amazing God loving lady who melts at the sight of any child. She's strong and courageous and I loved getting to know her better. We shared stories and laughed a ton. There were two guys in the front and they are amazing men of God. I am excited to see how God will continue to use them and their talents all for His glory. God gave me amazing truck mates, room mates, and tent mates along this trip. Some that poured into me in way I didn't know I needed. I am so thankful for the way He orchestrated all of these moments. 

    Towards the end of our trip we had some down time and I had a lot on my mind. Too much sometimes and it was overwhelming at times. I lost my appetite along the way because I kept my thoughts to myself. We got to see some amazing animals on the most epic safari in my life. Being able to watch the elephants, giraffes, and other animals was freely around without anything holding them back was refreshing and hit close to home. I knew how free they felt. Free to just wander and be themselves without being controlled or told what to do. Free without chains and boundaries. 

     Jesus was still working on my heart. I put up so many walls around my heart to protect it, I didn't think He would have been the one to tear them down one at a time.  I wasn't sure who would have torn them down to be honest. Our journey came to an end and we started to make our way home. A little hiccup in transit complications left my heart for one for message about encouraging our father's/husbands. I knew that message was for me as I promptly turned to a friend and told her "don't even say anything". She'd been telling me this same message for a bit now. I knew He was prepping me for the hard and tough conversations at home. Travel day approached and I wasn't nervous. I'd never been this nervous ever in our marriage. I wasn't sure how to approach him. We just didn't talk about somethings, because talking about them made them real and being real made us have to deal with it. 

     I built up the courage and had the conversation. I wasn't comfortable and it was hard. We both cried, but man was I dead on. God worked on my heart enough to be able to speak to him about his without a huge fight. It came from a place of love, confusion, unknown direction. We have some work on our hearts to deal with and can't do it alone, but know that we will get through this too. Jesus is the only way. He always has been the only way. I know that if we can just get through this, then we will finally be in a place of complete healing that we've never experienced before. I believe God will redeem what is broken and hurt and He will receive all the glory. This is His story through us. His work through us. His work in us. We make a commitment and vowed to stay together for better or for worse. I do believe this is the worse. This Sunday will make 18 years married for us. We've gone through the wringer a few times before but won't let this be the end. We won't let the enemy win, ever.  Saying Yes to Jesus was the best decision in my life and I don't regret any of it. I wouldn't be who I am today without Him.