Has Anyone Seen April?
Wow, how in the world did we fast forward a whole month?! Oh yes, I know how....foster care! I just found out today is Foster Care Awareness month! As of tomorrow, we will have been foster parents for 5 weeks! Time sure does fly, whether it's fun or not! I am going to talk about the top 10 things I have learned so far:
1. It's ok to say no. Ok well, maybe this isn't the easiest thing in the world. Before fostering I was not going to be that person who said "no" to a child. To me, that was just passing on a kid to find the best one. I felt that I can help them all, I can get through anything they threw at me or anything they said. Well, I was wrong. Sometimes it's ok to say no, because when you break it down all the components of your family versus a child(ren) whose past is somewhat shaken, then there's going to be some struggles. Struggles are normal, but all out wars that become quite physical are not normal. Really think about the dynamics of your family before accepting anyone. Another foster parent suggested that we keep the kid's ages under our youngest child's age. So going forward we will accept children under 3. It helps keep the order in the house the same and dynamics a little easier to blend with new people.
2. Don't let others twist your words and use them against you. This has happened on several occasions. Be mindful of what you say and who you say it too. Only talking about adults with this one.
3. Trust yourself and God. This one has been one of the toughest to deal with. There are so many working parts in foster care. From social workers for children, biological family, a public agency like DSS or private agency social workers, doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, Guardian At Litem, and then you. For us, there seem to be all chiefs and no Indians. Everyone has something to say, but no one wants to pull the trigger on anything. Tons of suggestions are being offered, but it seems like we are the ones left deciding what to do at the end of the day. Not in regards to medications though!
4. Your families safety is and always will be the number one goal. When I first learned of this one I was like, yeah obviously, but I want the foster child to be safe too. I always considered their safety in my home like a "hey, they can't hurt you anymore". But in reality it's a "hey, we all want whats best for you but when you are saying (fill in the blank things), we are concerned for your personal safety and will get you the help you need". I will protect my family from whoever is attempting to harm them, even if that means I get bruised up in the process.
5. SUPPORT, SUPPORT, SUPPORT!!!!! This is the most important part of it all. Who you have to call when you need support is HUGE. I don't mean like a wrestling move where you tag someone in to deal with a child. I mean that when you are about to lose your mind while a kid throws an all-out tantrum with yelling, cussing, destroying property, and trying to throw things at your windows, you need to call someone. We were taught to call the agency when that happens, but the support given doesn't fit whats going on. Instead, I suggest calling someone who knows you, someone who can speak to you what you need to hear, someone who will pray that very second on the phone with you. You don't need someone on the other end of the phone offering suggestions like "ok, thank them when they come inside". Ok, this dude has been yelling, cussing, etc at me for two hours, the last thing I want to do is thank them. Being thankful should come from the heart, not a robotic obligation.
6. Remeber to find your "ME" time. This point was stressed to me recently and I have found a new love with cross stitching! It's repetitive and can be done while everything is blowing up. Find something that brings you peace. Once you have found that, then do that. I am still working on the "doing that" part of it.
7. It's not your fault they are mad at you. Ok well, maybe you did something to set them off. Most recently it feels as if anytime I give instruction there's a fight. I am not one to back down or lose control of a situation. I am also the one who will get into a yelling match if I am yelled at. Growing up my dad was a yeller. Now, don't get me wrong, my dad was great and rarely yelled. As we got older we jokingly call our yelling "passionate loud talking". Just because I am yelling doesn't mean I am angrier nor does it mean that my point is getting across any better. Tonight while tucking in my son I asked him "Am I a good mommy to you?" he said yes! I then said "Am I a good mom to (FC)?" he said no. I asked why. He said "because when he gets mad and yells, you tell too and yelling is no good. It's mean". Then he went on to repeat somethings he heard FC say like "you are not my mother and you are not the boss of me". Oh boy, do you have it wrong?! That's a conversation dad will have with him tomorrow.
8. Respite is a good thing! While in FC classes I was 100% against respite. Respite is a weekend away for FC to spend some time alone or without foster care family. It's pushed like "a weekend at grandparents". We used respite a few weeks ago because I was not ready to take on all the kids solo for the weekend. This weekends respite was arranged by the agency itself. These last few weeks have been rough and we all just need a breather. Foster child is excited about this weekend because he's off to the hang out with the same family he was with last time! Building those relationships is good!
9. Don't let fostering ruin or destroy your family! The particular agency that we have has a "No Moves" policy. It's where they want to try to stop the constant bouncing of foster kids to foster homes. I believed in this wholeheartedly before our first placement. Now 5 weeks in.....I am having second thoughts. Sometimes on paper, kids may "look" like a good fit for your family. The first 2 weeks are considered a honeymoon period. If we only what was coming, we wouldn't have accepted placement in the first place. This one kinda goes back to #4. This placement hasn't been a total loss. I mean we are still fostering after all :) We have learned some valuable lessons to make us even better moving forward. If you never learn then you will most likely repeat the issue. This goes for those in foster care and those who are fostering.
10. Stay strong. Stay strong as a family unit, as a mother, as a father, as a couple, in your faith, in your prayer life (ok I struggle with this one many times). Words are just words, it's how you let them affect you that will determine how your day will go. For me, I take everything personally. The wind can blow differently and somehow think it's my fault. These kids have been through a ton. Probably more than you ever will in your lifetime. But just because they've seen or watched it, doesn't mean it's ok for them to continue to act like wild animals in your home. We experience groundhog day every single day. We have the same talks about the same stuff every single day. There's a predictability in the foster child we have now. We know what to expect and when. We try new things to help dissolve the issues before they ever start, but sometimes even that doesn't work. But in the end stay strong!
Well, those are the top 10 things I have learned over the 1st 5 weeks after placement. Every situation is different because every child is different. We just happened to have a hard first placement, that more than likely should have gone to a home better suited to meet their individual attention seeking needs. Did we do something wrong? No, not at all. We are still following God's calling to foster care, but maybe next time don't get pushed or persuaded to accept a child you don't feel is a good fit! One last thing: at the end of the day, it's your family that has to live with all the decisions made in the house. Whether you've made the right decision or wrong one. Don't let someone else make you feel bad if you have to make some tough decisions.
1. It's ok to say no. Ok well, maybe this isn't the easiest thing in the world. Before fostering I was not going to be that person who said "no" to a child. To me, that was just passing on a kid to find the best one. I felt that I can help them all, I can get through anything they threw at me or anything they said. Well, I was wrong. Sometimes it's ok to say no, because when you break it down all the components of your family versus a child(ren) whose past is somewhat shaken, then there's going to be some struggles. Struggles are normal, but all out wars that become quite physical are not normal. Really think about the dynamics of your family before accepting anyone. Another foster parent suggested that we keep the kid's ages under our youngest child's age. So going forward we will accept children under 3. It helps keep the order in the house the same and dynamics a little easier to blend with new people.
2. Don't let others twist your words and use them against you. This has happened on several occasions. Be mindful of what you say and who you say it too. Only talking about adults with this one.
3. Trust yourself and God. This one has been one of the toughest to deal with. There are so many working parts in foster care. From social workers for children, biological family, a public agency like DSS or private agency social workers, doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, Guardian At Litem, and then you. For us, there seem to be all chiefs and no Indians. Everyone has something to say, but no one wants to pull the trigger on anything. Tons of suggestions are being offered, but it seems like we are the ones left deciding what to do at the end of the day. Not in regards to medications though!
4. Your families safety is and always will be the number one goal. When I first learned of this one I was like, yeah obviously, but I want the foster child to be safe too. I always considered their safety in my home like a "hey, they can't hurt you anymore". But in reality it's a "hey, we all want whats best for you but when you are saying (fill in the blank things), we are concerned for your personal safety and will get you the help you need". I will protect my family from whoever is attempting to harm them, even if that means I get bruised up in the process.
5. SUPPORT, SUPPORT, SUPPORT!!!!! This is the most important part of it all. Who you have to call when you need support is HUGE. I don't mean like a wrestling move where you tag someone in to deal with a child. I mean that when you are about to lose your mind while a kid throws an all-out tantrum with yelling, cussing, destroying property, and trying to throw things at your windows, you need to call someone. We were taught to call the agency when that happens, but the support given doesn't fit whats going on. Instead, I suggest calling someone who knows you, someone who can speak to you what you need to hear, someone who will pray that very second on the phone with you. You don't need someone on the other end of the phone offering suggestions like "ok, thank them when they come inside". Ok, this dude has been yelling, cussing, etc at me for two hours, the last thing I want to do is thank them. Being thankful should come from the heart, not a robotic obligation.
6. Remeber to find your "ME" time. This point was stressed to me recently and I have found a new love with cross stitching! It's repetitive and can be done while everything is blowing up. Find something that brings you peace. Once you have found that, then do that. I am still working on the "doing that" part of it.
7. It's not your fault they are mad at you. Ok well, maybe you did something to set them off. Most recently it feels as if anytime I give instruction there's a fight. I am not one to back down or lose control of a situation. I am also the one who will get into a yelling match if I am yelled at. Growing up my dad was a yeller. Now, don't get me wrong, my dad was great and rarely yelled. As we got older we jokingly call our yelling "passionate loud talking". Just because I am yelling doesn't mean I am angrier nor does it mean that my point is getting across any better. Tonight while tucking in my son I asked him "Am I a good mommy to you?" he said yes! I then said "Am I a good mom to (FC)?" he said no. I asked why. He said "because when he gets mad and yells, you tell too and yelling is no good. It's mean". Then he went on to repeat somethings he heard FC say like "you are not my mother and you are not the boss of me". Oh boy, do you have it wrong?! That's a conversation dad will have with him tomorrow.
8. Respite is a good thing! While in FC classes I was 100% against respite. Respite is a weekend away for FC to spend some time alone or without foster care family. It's pushed like "a weekend at grandparents". We used respite a few weeks ago because I was not ready to take on all the kids solo for the weekend. This weekends respite was arranged by the agency itself. These last few weeks have been rough and we all just need a breather. Foster child is excited about this weekend because he's off to the hang out with the same family he was with last time! Building those relationships is good!
9. Don't let fostering ruin or destroy your family! The particular agency that we have has a "No Moves" policy. It's where they want to try to stop the constant bouncing of foster kids to foster homes. I believed in this wholeheartedly before our first placement. Now 5 weeks in.....I am having second thoughts. Sometimes on paper, kids may "look" like a good fit for your family. The first 2 weeks are considered a honeymoon period. If we only what was coming, we wouldn't have accepted placement in the first place. This one kinda goes back to #4. This placement hasn't been a total loss. I mean we are still fostering after all :) We have learned some valuable lessons to make us even better moving forward. If you never learn then you will most likely repeat the issue. This goes for those in foster care and those who are fostering.
10. Stay strong. Stay strong as a family unit, as a mother, as a father, as a couple, in your faith, in your prayer life (ok I struggle with this one many times). Words are just words, it's how you let them affect you that will determine how your day will go. For me, I take everything personally. The wind can blow differently and somehow think it's my fault. These kids have been through a ton. Probably more than you ever will in your lifetime. But just because they've seen or watched it, doesn't mean it's ok for them to continue to act like wild animals in your home. We experience groundhog day every single day. We have the same talks about the same stuff every single day. There's a predictability in the foster child we have now. We know what to expect and when. We try new things to help dissolve the issues before they ever start, but sometimes even that doesn't work. But in the end stay strong!
Well, those are the top 10 things I have learned over the 1st 5 weeks after placement. Every situation is different because every child is different. We just happened to have a hard first placement, that more than likely should have gone to a home better suited to meet their individual attention seeking needs. Did we do something wrong? No, not at all. We are still following God's calling to foster care, but maybe next time don't get pushed or persuaded to accept a child you don't feel is a good fit! One last thing: at the end of the day, it's your family that has to live with all the decisions made in the house. Whether you've made the right decision or wrong one. Don't let someone else make you feel bad if you have to make some tough decisions.
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