When The Light Took Over The Darkness

     Where I am now in my life is not what I saw 3 1/2 years ago. It was a Sunday afternoon, the husband and I were fighting again about the fact that he didn't care about me. So I got up, got in my truck, and left. I was determined to be gone for the rest of my life. I didn't want to go back, I didn't want to stay where I wasn't cared about even despite the 2 children in my home that cared about me. I was so angry, hurt, felt worthless, felt like no one cared. I was alone and I was done. I wanted to start over by myself or find someone who did care about me. I was going to fill a void with someone else. I ended up calling my mom and we talked for a long time. She said "Do you still love him?".  No of course not, I hated him, but deep down inside I still loved him, despite how I'd been treated over the last 10 years. This had been going on for over 10 years and I was emotionally and mentally drained. I wanted out. She urged me to go home and just talk to him. So I did. I got home, got out of the truck, and walked inside. I was a very quiet night. No yelling, no screaming, but boy did I cry. I hardly ever cry. We talked and he said he hoped I could give him another try. Give him one more time to fix things. I was skeptical but agreed just to get done, wipe my hands, and move on. It was labor day that year when we sat down to dinner with our pastor and his wife. I was quiet, irritated, and over him. I didn't want to sit next to him, listen to him lie again about how much he loved me, how much he wanted to work on things. We talked for quite awhile as I picked at my food. I didn't want to try, but deep down inside I had hope. I hoped he would change, I hoped we could be closer that we had ever been before, I hoped to stay together. I was asked if I had hope things would be redeemed and I said yes. I talk about my hopes. Then our pastor said, if you have hope then this can be healed and better than before. We agreed to work and meet together separately and together to continue to move forward and make this work. I will tell you that it wasn't fun, it was awkward, it was hard. Over the course of the next few months we began tearing down the walls that we built up to protect ourselves. To keep ourselves safe, but what we were really doing was hurting ourselves more and more. We were allowing Him to work. We'd been trying to do this on our own for so long and with Him seemed impossible.

     During this time on our lives we had friends getting married and we had friends separating. At one point I still thought I can still get out while we were at the lowest point. One of the biggest issues I had to work on was the way I thought. I was always thinking and expecting my husband to mess up so I was always negative towards him. I couldn't find the good in him. Having to constantly make an effort to think positive. Can I tell you how difficult that was in the beginning? It was so bad in the beginning that i had to start out with "thank you". That word was foreign to me when it came to him. Over time I learned had to find contentment where I was and to learn that people were going to let me down, but God wouldn't. I had to learn and trust in God to be that for me. To be my safe place, to be content only in Him, to be loved by Him, to be cared for by Him. I'm still learning how to be loved by Him and know my worth in Him. I feel that He will let me know when the times right. Slowly and surely we started talking again and having dates again and just begin together again. We'd been married for 14 years and I wasn't looking forward to throwing that away, even though on the surface that's what I wanted. Around our 1 year of working on our marriage mark we fell pregnant and I was like awesome! This is the redemption God had for us. Sadly my pregnancy ended in a miscarriage a at 12 weeks. It was devastating news of course, but not something foreign to us. We'd had our first miscarriage a few years earlier. Through that we continued to work on ourselves and our marriage all while grieving.  Life began to settle into a good rhythm and we stopped meeting with our pastor and his wife. Obviously we still saw them, but not for advice. We'd check in but over all we were on our own. We learned to navigate through life with the good and bad parts. Now looking back I wouldn't have called them good or bad but lows and highs. 

     That following summer my husband heading off to Africa on a missions trip with our church. It was a 3 week trip with me at home with the kiddos! It was tough for a bit until we found a good groove. My parents came and helped out the last week he was gone. While he was away I prayed for his safety first, then I prayed that God would change him. I was good, I  didn't need anything changed.  So each night as we talked I was hoping for some big revelation that God had given him, I am a romantic at heart, he is not. Maybe I watched to many love stories growing up. Well each phone call was disappointing because he never really said much in that regard. Now he did talk about all that he was doing and what God was doing and that was awesome! I quit pressing him and was like maybe he wants to save it for when he got home! Yes that's it, he's going to come running off the plane and tell me all the things! He will see me in a different way and we will live happily ever after, right?! That couldn't have been further from the truth! He did get home safe and in one piece, very tired. I continued to pray for change. We had fought once, but things where good for the next few weeks. Then slowly over the next few days things where changing. Then one day, I can't remember exactly he was walking past me and then it hit me. God did answer the prayer for change. He redeemed our marriage and I couldn't be happier. He wasn't so much changing him, but He had changed me. I saw my husband in a new light like I had never seen him before. It was almost like I was seeing him for the first time ever. That butterfly feeling in your stomach that makes you loose your breath. That feeling like you mattered, like you were the most important thing in the world. God had changed my presets. He completely overhauled my heart, my thoughts, and my actions. I loved, I mean really truly and deeply love my husband. He was my mate and my person and if he fell short of that, God was always there too. I found contentment in God the same day I saw my husband again that day.  

     This September will mark 4 years since we started on this journey and I can confidently say that our marriage and relationship is the best and strongest it had been ever. It is perfect without disagreements? No, nothing is on this side of eternity. We have our moments and days. We learned to not have big discussions about life nor make big decisions during certain weeks of the month, if you are following along with that. That's been awesome because holy emotions will make you feel like you are on a tilt-o-world not knowing where to put your feet. 

     The light slowly but surely took over the darkness. One thing that struck me the most on this journey is that they didn't need to know the details of what got us to where we were, that didn't matter. What mattered is that we had hope and let God be our pilot. Before he had been tucked away in a trunk in the back. In our church, our current series is called Burn The Ships with first sermon No Plan B. I had always lived my life with a Plan B. Not anymore. I am all in, that's it!